You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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