I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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