I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
