So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
there is glitter all over my balls
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