shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
