i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
