he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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