The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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