my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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