For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
