I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
what the fuck happened to the tacos
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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