My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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