I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I love you.
Bad choice
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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