Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
