my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
