i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
