My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
