Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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