my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just forgot I was standing up.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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