Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
