Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
