Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The struggles of a small town man whore
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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