She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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