He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize