I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
not ubering you a puppy
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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