You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
