You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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