my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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