You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
