Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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