I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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