come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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