God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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