I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
