It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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