My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
