Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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