How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Welp...herpes.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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