420 ftw
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
