hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
