Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
