cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize