saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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