also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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