Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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