i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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