my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
