i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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