Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
