so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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