you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
