I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
