So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
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