you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
