Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
