remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
