he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
